A User's Journel: The UCHIHA SASUKE Unit and Me
by LittleUnnie
Summary: I ordered "Sasuke" from a weird Japanese website. Here I have every Otaku's wet-dream, an anime character living in my home. But how is the angsty avenger going to cope in the real world with a closet fangirl? Recommended for all perspective buyers of the UCHIHA SASUKE unit.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Raven in the Box

**A/N: An idea I've been in love with for a long time; the character user guides and manual fics. Inspired by several of these, mostly the one by Wicked Enough, I have decided to expand on the idea of "owning" a fictional character by writing about the user's (my) experience with the "product", that being my favourite bishonen and torture victim, Uchiha Sasuke.**

I am a pathetic human being.

My package arrived today, how exciting. No, scratch that. I'm fucking terrified. I found this onimous website from Japan where you can order androids programmed and designed to look and act just like your favourite anime characters, and they were fifty per cent off! Being the rabid fangirl I am, I ordered the Shippuden Edition UCHIHA SASUKE unit without a second thought. Now that I think about, I might come to regret this.

This is going to be so weird, living with the embodiment of my anime crush. After all the Naruto episodes I've watched and fanfictions I've read, I'm practically his stalker. I felt sorry for whatever it is in the large box in front of me, even if it is just a machine. Living with a fangirl has got to be a fate worse than death.

Before I ordered this I couldn't decide between the original or Shippuden editions of the UCHIHA SASUKE unit. I had a choice between practicality being the "big sister" of cute little emo twelve-year-old Sasuke or "owning" the revenge-crazed fifteen-year-old Sasuke. I didn't want to feel like a paedophile so I settled for the Shippuden version, which is only a year younger than I am. Wait. It's not like I'm going to_ try_ anything on him! I may be a fangirl but even I have standards, well at least I think I do. Besides, the translated user manual I recieved seemed kinda _suggestive_. It has instructions for making pairings, slash modes and strip-searches of all things.

I started shaking. I thought I was going to have a seizure but I didn't know if it was fangirling or fear of being death-glared by those infamous eyes, bonus points if their Sharingan!

Fuck it, let's get this over with before I die of too much dramatic suspense.

It took only five seconds to claw through a nearly six-foot-tall cardboard box and fifteen layers of bubble wrap (I'll play with that later). I could clearly see the outline of the unit behind one final layer of plastic covering. I carefully tore it off and...

*dramatic pause*

...holy sweet and sour Jesus, he looked so real! I was expecting him to look exactly like he did in the anime, but he looked more...human. The unconsious humanoid in the box lied somewhere in the uncanny valley between anime character and human being, so terrifyingly beautiful. He looks like one of those J-rock guys, minus the makeup and piercings. Even in the (synthetically created) flesh, his hair still somehow defied gravity with that duck-butt tuft on his head.  
I spent the next three minutes admiring (or practically eye-raping) my investment before activating it. Through his open shirt, I could see that they even gave him nipples, which I found amusing because the guys in Naruto don't have them drawn on. In fact, most animes don't seem to give men nipples. Sexist, men can have boobs too!

I still can't believe this only cost me two-thousand dollars because the technology seemed so advanced. It must be a scam. If so, somewhere in Japan there is some guy rolling around laughing with a bank account stashed with the broken dreams of fangirls and fanboys everywhere.

The manual said that to activate him I have to access the panel in his back, but for me to do so I would have to remove his shirt. Those damn manufacturers, they must really love fanservice. This is going to be so awkward, "Sasuke" awakening with his shirt off and me standing behind him. Fuck my life.

Five nanoseconds later and his shirt was already off. Damn, I must be eager. My inner rabid fangirl said that maybe I should take advantage of the fact that he hasn't been activated yet. "_Besides, that blue skirt thing would look better off..."_

..wait, what? No! I couldn't possibly let myself stoop that low, could I?

*Entering code and settings*

*Language: English*

_"UCHIHA SASUKE Unit will activate in ten, nine.."_

Yay, it gave me time to run and hide.

_"..eight, seven..."_

Where are the tomatos?

_"..six, five..."_

Just play it cool.

_"...four, three..."_

I CANT STOP FANGIRLING!

_"...two, one..."_

Screw it, I'll hide behind the sofa and see what happens.

_Oh crap, I forgot to put his shirt back on!_

Finally, the device standing in the box's eyes suddenly snapped open, glaring straight forward. Damn those dark eyes. This was going to be very interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: First Impressions

_Finally, the device in the box's eyes suddenly snapped open, glaring straight forward. Damn those dark eyes. This was going to be very interesting._

I sat leisurely on the couch, popping the fifteen sheets of bubble-wrap that came with the UCHIHA SASUKE unit. I thought that if I acted cool about this, he might not chiidori me (because bubble wrap is so badass!).

I casually observed the behaviour of my new "toy" (no, it's not like that I _swear_) between popping plastic bubbles. After he was activated and his eyes opened in an oh-so-dramatic manner, I honesly expected him to flip out. My assumption was that the unit believes that it is Uchiha Sasuke and that he should be at Orochimaru's hideout. So for him to suddenly wake up shirtless in a box in a stranger's home would startle him. However, when he finally awoke, he nonchalently stepped out of the box, didn't even look at me when he passed by the living room and casually walked towards the kitchen. Two seconds later I heard the fridge door close and he stolled out eating a tomato as if it were an apple.

_What the fuck!_

How did he settle in so quickly?

He then sat beside me on the couch as if I weren't even there. So here I was popping bubble-wrap with a sexy-emo-ninja-bot sitting next to me shirtless, munching on a tomato.

My brain nearly exploded..._along with my ovaries_.

"What the fuck?" I broke the awkward silence that began to thicken like moss.

"Hn?"

I knew he would say that.

"You wake up in a stranger's house and the first thing you do is eat?"

Before I could even hope for an answer, "Sasuke" was gone, leaving only a half-eaten tomato rolled on its side.

Suddenly, I felt a shadow loom over me as somthing cold and sharp ghosted across my neck. That sneaky bastard, he caught me off guard with the tomato thing!

In the typical hostage position with his Kusanagi sword threatening to slit my juggular, "Sasuke" asked me in cold, unquivering simplicity,

"Where the hell am I?"

The sword didn't unnerve me one bit. I knew Sasuke all too well. I know his weaknesses and I know for a fact that he isn't one to kill on impulse. If anything, I am amused. I expected "Sasuke" to react this way and he knew it too. So he caught me off guard by acting casually about it at first and then initiating his attack. Impressive, as expected.

"You mean you don't know? You're not the real Sasuke. In fact, the real Sasuke doesn't even exist. Your a robotic representation or him and you belong to me."

I spoke just as coldly as he did. If I can hold my own against him, then he may eventually come to respect me.

"Hn. Tell me somthing I don't already know."

_He already fucking knew?_

"Then why did you ask in the first place, and threaten to kill me for that matter?!" This time my voice raised from it's usual monotone. I was truely mindfucked.

"Hn."

For fuck's sake. Of course he didn't need to answer that. It's so plain and simple. He did't want to be "owned", so acted out aggressively to establish his indepedance from me. He then probably asked me that question to see if I am honest or not. I'm not too suprised. I've watched _Naruto Shippuden, _I know what he's capable of.

"You can put that sword away now. I don't intend to assume any authority over you."

I regained my calm and cold demenour. He may be standing behind me, but I could feel his eyes drilling a hole in the back of my head with their infamous glare.

"Give me one good reason to stay here."

"Free food and shelter?"

No answer.

"I don't like tomatoes, so you can eat them all."

Still no answer.

"Sasuke, you can give the brooding emo act a rest. I know you better than you think. Heck, I even know what happens after you defeat Itachi.

At that remark, the sword was gone. So was that foreshadowing presence behind me.

He was back in his previous spot, casually holding the unfinished tomato as if nothing happened.

"I accept your offer, but only under the condition that you keep me updated on the happenings of my fictional counterpart."

"Deal. Computer is that way. Everything that you need to know is there"

"Hn.

...What's a computer?"

**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME:**

_**"Sasuke" begins to settle into the home of I, the "closet fangirl". What will happen when he discovers modern technology, the internet, the whole Naruto fandom and more importantly, that cat that keeps on stalking him?**_

**EXTRAS:**

**"Sasuke": Wait, why is my shirt gone?**

**Me: I had to remove it to activate you.**

**"Sasuke": ...**

**Me: Don't blame me, it's the manufacturer's fault for being perverts.**

**"Sasuke": Aren't you the pervert for buying me?**

**Me: And aren't you a slut for dressing like one and pimping yourself off to Orochimaru?**

**"Sasuke": Hn. Just as I thought, pervert. *Puts shirt back on***

**Me: ...**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Welcome to the Fandom!

_"I accept your offer, but only under the condition that you keep me updated on the happenings of my fictional counterpart."_

_"Deal. Computer is that way. Everything you need to know is there"_

_"Hn._

_...What's a computer?"_

I then realised that I would have to explain _everything_ to him.

He cocked his head to the side in doubt. Very chibi Sasuke-like. Was he testing me to see if I'd melt if he acted adorable? That wasn't usually his character's way of manipulating people, but I still won't cave in to it..._yet_.

"Oh yeah, the _Naruto_ universe doesn't have as much technology as we do. They have some, but not internet."

"Sasuke" looked more constipated than usual at that remark. It's rare moments like thesewhen you need a camera.

"They named my world after _that_ loser?"

"Well yeah, he's the main character."

He raised an eyebrow at me. One of those godforsaken perfect eyebrows. _Anything but the eyebrows!_

"Of course. Naruto is a notorious attention whore" He scoffed.

"Says the one who managed to find his way into the main plotline without even being there half the time."

I was expecting a death glare from him after that. However he didn't really get it. **_What is this crazy woman talking about?_**

"You'll understand once I show you everything. But be warned, this internet is a realm greater than any other imagined and harnesses the power of millions of people around the world. It's a dangerous place for someone such as yourself, possibly worse than any Genjutsu."

He stared at me blankly, completely unmoved by my epic monologue. Typical.

He followed me to the computer desk as I began to explain the concept of computers to him.

"...you see it's kinda like a television but more interactive and with far more functions. On one of these functions, the internet, you have access to an infinite library of information and services. It's like an endless scroll, only better.

A faint glimmer of interest was evident in "Sasuke's" eyes. Of course, who wouldn't be impressed by the internet.

"You are already aware that you are a robotic incarnation of a fictional character from a manga and anime series. Am I correct?"

"Yes. That's all I've been programmed to know."

"And I gather that you have the same memories, knowledge and abilities as your counterpart?"

"All the same."

"Ah, but you never got to see your world from the outside like I do."

No response.

"It's probably best if I show you rather than waste any more time trying to explain it."

As he stood behind me scanning the computer screen quizzically, I searched Google for the most valuable resource I could think of, the _Naruto Shippuden_ series. I found a few clips on YouTube, mostly extracts from the anime. This should explain it thoroughly enough.

I clicked on a video showing the fight between Naruto and Pein. As Sasuke watched, his eyes widened but very gradually, as if it took a while for the realisation to settle.

"See what I mean? Everything that happens in your world, we see it."

"_Everything?" _

His voice reluctantly hitched the slightest bit. If he can't handle the anime alone, then he is in for a big surprise later. _Why did he seem nervous all of a sudden? What's he hiding?_

"Well, only things that are of value to the storyline, except for filler episodes. That's were they throw in anything else they could to kill time between the manga and anime development. That time when you and Naruto had your hands glued together is an example."

"You mean I had to spend three days attached to that moron to help the producers kill time?"

"Yeah. But I've always been curious, what did happen between the two of you after that mission?"

I only then realised that I was in possession of a valuable source of spoilers and juicy secrets from the canon series. My inner fujiyoshi was already making evil plans.

"If it didn't make it into the series, then it is obviously of no value and therefore does not concern you."

"Sasuke" bluffed his way out of that one all too confidently. Smartass_. _No matter, I'll still have countless opportunities to pry information out of him later.

"Anyway, this whole concept of the _Naruto_ fandom is quite a lot to take in, especially for someone in your position. I'll show you some more of it later but for now perhaps you should try settling in since you'll be staying here."

"Hn."

Well, at least he's in character.

_**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME:**_

**The infamous emo heartthrob attempts to adapt to life in a average suburban household. That shouldn't be too hard, right? Wrong. How is an avenger supposed to cope in a world with no shinobi, no revenge and more importantly, thousands of crazed fangirls? **

**"Sasuke": _Why won't this cat stop sleeping on my face?!_**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: This World Sucks!

_"Anyway, this whole concept of the _Naruto_ fandom is quite a lot to take in, especially for someone in your position. I'll show you some more of it later but for now perhaps you should try settling in since you'll be staying here."_

_"Hn."_

_Well, at least he's in character._

"Okay, so it seems you already know where the kitchen is. The bathroom is down the end of the hall and there are a few spare bedrooms so you can choose whatever one you want."

Damn, I sounded like a flight attendant.

"Is there a training grounds?" That broke about five painstaking seconds of awkward silence.

"The backyard is kinda small but there is a gate that leads to a park owned by the church next door. You could use it when no one is around but I suggest you don't blow anything up. That means no fire or lightening jutsu."

"What the _hell_ am I supposed to practise then?"

"Taijutsu, Kenjutsu?"

"You need a sparring partner for those."

"I'm a trained martial artist. I'm also just beginning to use swords too." Well that made me sound useful. Not.

"Hn."

He was clearly in his kinda irked mode. No surprise though, to Sasuke training means business.

"You know, you don't really have anything to be training for. Ninja in this world don't have chakra abilities. The only competition you have are other fictional character units."

That only pissed him off even more.

"Then how am I supposed to get my revenge?!"he sneered.

He activated his Sharingan, ready to tear my soul apart with his crimson glare. I couldn't say I didn't see it coming. If I show any sign of submission now, I will never win his respect.

I stared down his gaze, unmoved.

"Are you forgetting? You are not entirely who you think you are. Vengeance isn't your duty, it was the fictional Sasuke's, and he regretted it in the end" I said as monotone as ever. "Sasuke's" eyes returned to their usual onyx.

"Show me."

Oh, great. Back to the computer we go. I don't know why, but he kinda sounded like a rapist just then.

As I searched for the Sasuke Uchiha page on _Narutopedia _I asked,

"What exactly is your most recent memory in the _Naruto_ Universe?"

"Waking up to Karin watching me sleep" He said as if it happened on a regular basis.

"I didn't mean in that much detail, but I assume it was after you have killed Orochimaru and formed team Taka?"

"Hn."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"..._Yes_" he practically sighed in annoyance.

"Okay, well this web page summarises all of your activity up until the most recent chapter of the _Naruto _manga. Just sit down and read the entire thing from after you killed Orochimaru up until the end."

He spent about five minutes sitting at the desk reading until he called me over.

"The page ended, where does it continue?"

I mentally face-palmed. Of course, he didn't know how to use a computer. He didn't know about the scroll function."

I then gestured towards the mouse and scrolled down the page using the wheel-thingy. He should get it after only seeing it once. I kinda hoped he felt like a dumbass for needing my assistance. There's nothing more amusing than breaking an Uchiha's pride.

The page was quite long, so I decided to leave him to his reading for a while, but I couldn't wait to see his reaction afterwards. I went to the kitchen to make some tea in complete silence, the only sounds being the boiling kettle and the sound of the scrolling mouse coming from the computing area. Ten minutes into my quiet teatime the scrolling stopped, permanently.

I crept back into the computing area to find "Sasuke" reading the last few paragraphs of the _Narutopedia _article. He was glaring at the screen in pure contempt. Instead of worrying for my safety in the presence of a pissed-off Uchiha, I was instead thinking about how fun it would be the glomp him from behind as he sat hunched over the desk. _Tempting._

He leaned back in the chair and let his face sink beneath his fringe, his eyes no longer visible and an invisible dark aura emitted from him. My thoughts of glomping him dissolved, replaced by thoughts of running to the nearby church for some holy water, and maybe even a cross.

"So you mean to tell me that all this time I have been psychologically abused, devoted my life to killing my own brother who meant well and have been repetitively pursued by a paedophile and a blonde moron only to somehow overcome the "Uchiha Curse"? And after all that I just come running back to Konoha? All this being screwed around with just for the mere entertainment of others?"

That's probably the most I've ever heard him speak in one turn.

"You're not the only one. Other characters have had it worse, and not just ones from _Naruto _for that matter. Besides, at least you got to unlock your Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan and Rinnegan. Also you're not an antagonist anymore, you just magically appeared and insisted on becoming Hokage. At least if you die in this war you would die as a hero; a troubled, delusional hero."

He just glared at me, Sharingan activated. I wanted to push him a little further for my own amusement, but it was still only his first day here.

"Are you actually going to use those or are you just trying to intimidate me?" I glared back into those eyes with equal intensity, ruby meeting jade. It looked a lot like a scene from Twilight **(A/N: *groan*)**. Could I beat an Uchiha at his own game?

"Why am I even here? What were your intentions for purchasing me?!" He was going to crack any minute.

"You were on sale."

_"Hnnnnnnnnn."_

I think I broke him.

_**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME:**_

**We had a bit of a rough start to this pet character-owner relationship. Let's try again! Take-two of Sasuke settling in and trying to get along with his equally as cocky, closet-fangirl of an owner. It's hard to outwit someone when they've been watching you on TV. **

**Also a new character may be introduced next chapter. Miku, the attention-whore of a cat!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Let's Try This Again

_"Why am I even here? What were your intentions for purchasing me?!" He was going to crack any minute._

_"You were on sale."_

"Hnnnnnnnnn."

_I think I broke him._

He made a weird sound like some constipated, emo Goku. He could have flipped the desk or killed me even, but he was too good at containing his rage.

"You're annoying" He stated after a pause long enough for me to have written the last paragraph. He said it almost as if it were the ultimate comeback, the punchline to end this ongoing joke.

I had no choice but to giggle at that one.

"You said the exact same thing to Sakura when you were twelve. Can't you at least come up with something better." I retorted.

"Hn."

Damn, I was almost hoping for a good argument.

"Okay, I think now is a good time for us to overcome this juvenile dispute. You haven't even been here a day and you're already starting to hate me."

"I hated you the moment I looked at you."

"Of course you do, you're an Uchiha! Why don't you go do something useful, like sort out your hate issues so you can unlock your Rinnegan? "

I should have known how stubborn this guy (I mean robot-thingy) would be. I couldn't expect him to just bow down to some plain girl who only stands at about five-foot-two. However, he being really hot compensates for the fact that he's a massive douche. _Me gusta *drools*_

"Anyway, just grab your stuff and pick a room. We should of had this sorted out three chapters ago."

"Chapters?"

Damn that puzzled look on his face, I didn't even know he was capable of making a face like that. _I just wanna squish his cheeks now. I shall call him my squishy and I shall make him mine. *Demonic fangirl laugh*_

"Nothing!" Queue nervous smile and shifty eyes, breaking the fourth wall.

He picked up his weapons and a couple of spare sets of clothing that were still in the box and walked out into the hall. I stayed by the computing area, listening out for what room he chooses. I heard him enter the room next door, the large one with the rustic floorboards and the TV. I heard a light "plop" as he dropped his belongings on the queen-sized mattress. Of course he didn't care which room he got, so he settled for the first one he saw. But it just happened to be the best bedroom in the house. _That little shit. _

He stayed in that room for the remainder of that day. _God knows what he does in there...*imagination runs wild* *nosebleeds*. _At least that gave me some time to pretend everything was back to normal and that having "Duckbutt Smexypants" living in my house was a regular occurrence. Well, hopefully it will be someday.  
Wait a second, "Sasuke" is living in _my_ house, eating _my_ tomatoes and breathing _my_ oxygen (_do units even breathe?_)! I've got to tell someone, but who? My Narutard brother? My otaku friends? The whole internet? Oh wait, I'll text my friend Cynthia. I was telling her about these units after I ordered "Sasuke". She wanted me to confirm whether or not it was a scam so she could order one._ Phone, where are you!_

And now I present, a seemingly normal text conversation between my best friend and I:

**Me:**_ Dat unit shit is legit (haha read that in a ghetto voice). My Sasuke-bot is real. It looks so friggin' real and he's in character and he hates me and everything. It's so perfect! And he got da booty (read that in ghetto voice too)!_

**Cynthia:**_ Okaaay, so I should get one?_

_**Me:** YOSSHH, and hurry while their still on sale! _

**Cynthia:**_ K, I'd get a Kakashi one then. Gonna have to come out of my gap year savings tho' but it'd be worth it, right?_

**Me:**_ Yes, cause' you'd have a pet Kakashi! You could like bring your Kakashi over so he and my Sasuke could do like ninja stuff idk. LOL!_

**Cynthia:**_ And then we could uncover the mystery of Kakashi's face, AND Icha-Icha. _

**Me:**_ YES it'll be amazing. Get it get it get it get getietietienrg;eqng;qenb;qn;ig_

**Cynthia:**_ Umm, U ok? o_O_

**Me:**_ Imma fangirl of course I'm not ok!_

_**Cynathia:** K, bye then..._

_**Me:** BYEEEEEE_

Well that settles it. Cynthia is going to get a unit too. This is going to be awesome!

I just realised, I hope no one else sees this text conversation. My grammar and methods of expressing fanaticism were so undignified. I text like a twelve-year-old, _Urggh. _

On a completely different topic, I haven't seen the cat all day. She usually stays in my room, but I couldn't find her in any of her favourite hiding spots. Miku isn't really one for hiding for that matter. Whenever there is a visitor over she is always there to sniff them and beg for attention, that whore.

_Of course, Sasuke._

I walked across the hall to "Sasuke's" room. I hesitated to knock on the door, but it was too late. He would have already known I was standing behind the door because well, _he's a ninja. _Also the shadow under the door was a big giveaway. This was going to be so awkward judging by the way things were going between us.

I knocked on the door, finally.

"Sasuke, have you seen the cat anywhere"

"So that's what that thing sleeping on my bed is."

I burst through the door. Not intentionally, it was just that the door jams a lot so I always had to barricade through it.

"Well no shit."

"Sasuke" didn't look too pleased at me busting into his newfound room without his disclosure. Not that he really had anything to hide, he was just standing beside the bed, staring at Miku. She looked so warm in that white fluffly pile she had coiled herself into. How could you not want to bury your face into it?

_So he was in there the whole time with the cat? Aww..._

"I know you're a cat person. There's no use in pretending, I saw the Nekomata mission."

"Hn." was the only response I got, followed by an infamous smirk. _Ouch, right in the virginity._

"Besides, you remind me a lot of a cat. Not the clingy attention-whore type like Miku, she's more like Sakura. I mean like one of those really mysterious ones that everyone wants to pet but always hides from people, and if you get in it's face it'll bite your head off. Kind of like a tiger or panther."

My sentimental monologue grew more and more awkward as it was allowed more time to settle. That was a bit much considering we only just met and argued less than an hour ago.

I signed. "I'm sorry, that was really weird. It's strange how you don't know me at all yet I speak as if I've known you for years."

"You seem to think you've got me all worked out, don't you?" A mischievous spark of curiosity flickered across his eyes. Although faint, it completely illuminated those dark hollows for that fraction of a second.

"Not entirely, there's still so much to learn. That's why you're here."

Well that didn't seem creepy at all.

"I think I'll just leave you with the cat now." I did a full turn towards the doorway and left before I could see his reaction to the creepy-stalker-with-a-crush impression (which is totally accurate) that I just left him.

_**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME:**_

**I try to recover from my chronic awkwardness while Cynthia buys a Kakashi. "Sasuke" becomes more curious about this _Naruto _fandom and learns about the wonderful world of the non-canon half of the fandom. That's right: fanfictions, fanart, fandubs, shippings, all is revealed!**

**_Sasuke don't Chiidori the computer!_**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Seme no Jutsu!

**A/N: A quick thank you to my readers and reviewers, especially those who have been with me since chapter 1 first came out. My previous fanfic didn't attract much attention, so for this one to have caught on quite a bit really surprised me. I would have continued writing regardless, but you guys give me more the reason to keep going. Arigatou!**

_"You seem to think you've got me all worked out, don't you?" A mischievous spark of curiosity flickered across his eyes. Although faint, it completely illuminated those dark hollows for that fraction of a second._

_"Not entirely, there's still so much to learn. That's why you're here."_

_Well that didn't sound creepy at all._

_"I think I'll just leave you with the cat now." I did a full turn towards the doorway and left before I could see his reaction to the creepy-stalker-with-a-crush impression (which was totally accurate) that I just left him._

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.

There was something I just hated about Sundays. Sundays were always slow and uneventful, a painful reminder of the upcoming week. But what I hated most about them was church. Not that I went to church, I just lived next door to one. Every Sunday morning I would be rudely awoken by the sound of a pseudo-angelic choir screeching out hymns. This is the Christian alternative to saying _"WAKEY-WAKEY MOTHERFUCKER!", _with a side order of "_GOD BLESS YOUR HEATHEN ASS!"  
_Maybe I might just let my Uchiha pet out into their yard to do some _business _(e.g. Chiidori some shit).

Apart from the unusual alarm clock, my Sunday mornings started out the same as any other teenager's. I drag my phone from under my pillow to check my Instagram, roll out of bed and then have a shower.  
_I would kill for a shower right now, I could practically already hear the water running.  
_Wait, the water is running.  
_That littler fucker stole my shower._

So "Sasuke" got up and had a shower before I could, big deal. _Yes it is a big deal, Sasuke is standing naked in my shower!  
_It took a while for that thought to sink in and for me to realise that my bedroom is next to the bathroom.  
_Only a wall separates me from a naked Sasuke Uchiha! *nosebleeds*_

My inner fangirl took control and before I knew it, my ear was pressed up against the wall.

_All I can hear is the water running. Come to think of it, I'm really jealous of that water right now. It just gets to pour itself all over him and he's probably enjoying it, that sick bastard. I kind of wish I was like Suigetsu so I could liquidise myself and like, sneak into the pipes or something. But then he might notice my chakra and flip out..._

My mind wandered into unknown territory, kind of like that weird part of YouTube.

Miku had crept into my room, meowing at me, demanding her breakfast.

_Shut up cat, I'm trying to hear the nuuuuuuudity._

"Meow-eow-eow" I'm pretty sure in cat that translates to "Go fuck yourself".

Miku then strutted out of my room like a woman in heels, being the sassy bitch she is. Ice. Fucking. Cold.  
I followed the overgrown furball, expecting her to lead me to the kitchen for me to feed her. However, she took a turn towards the bathroom and sat in front of the door, as if waiting her turn to use the toilet. She always did this to me when I was in the bathroom, but "Sasuke" seemed to be her new favourite now.  
_That little fucker stole my cat!_

Suddenly I heard the lock turn, then the doorknob. It's split-seconds like these when you know you're well and truly fucked. I couldn't run or hide, just wait.  
The door opened to reveal a slightly wet Sasuke with a blue towel around his waist. _Why does that towel have to be so low you whore, I can see your V-line. Damn that V-line. Holla-holla *drools*.  
That little fucker stole my innocence!  
_His hair was still damp, the weight of the water flattening the spikes on his head and gluing his bangs to his face. Without all its gravity-defying volume, you could see how long his hair actually was. I inwardly giggled. If you ignore his masculine upper body, he could pass for a girl.

From "Sasuke's" perspective, he just opened to door to reveal Miku and I looking as if we were trying to perv on him. He raised an eyebrow at me. _No, anything but the eyebrows!_

"Miku was waiting for you" I said almost immediately and ever-so-monotonous. I pointed an accusing finger at the cat beside me.

She rubbed up against his leg, and I secretly hoped she got some loose fur stuck to it. _Payback bitch._

After I finally had my shower and got dressed, I got "Sasuke" to agree to let me show him the rest of the fandom, since he seemed to have already gotten over yesterday's drama. I did have to bribe him though. For the next week I am now his training dummy and personal punching bag. Luckily in my country we have universal healthcare, so I should live to see next Sunday.

_Back to the computer desk._

"I'm quite impressed Sasuke. You recovered from yesterday really quickly. In the anime you had an emotional breakdown and started plotting more revenge after learning the truth. It took you about two-hundred episodes for you to screw your head back on."

"Hn. I realised in the end it's all fake. My entire life has been one big Genjutsu" He said bitterly.

"That's the spirit." I turned around to look at him only to notice that his eyes were different. They looked like the Big Bang Theory logo. Wait, he's got Mangekyo Sharingan. How did he get it so suddenly? I reached for the user manual.

_"If you psychologically torture you UCHIHA SASUKE unit, he may unlock his Mangekyo Sharingan. If you torture him even more, he may unlock his Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan. If you get him to stop being a little prick, he may unlock his Rinnegan."_

Oh.

"Sasuke, you're not okay. The manual says that what you read yesterday would have really messed you up."

"I've experienced worse." He waved it off as if it meant nothing.

"Hold on to that thought. What you will learn today may prove you wrong."

I opened up YouTube and searched for one of my favourite examples of fan-fiction. The _Ninjabridge _series.

"Okay, so this is a series of episodes from the anime that a group of fans have manipulated, pretty much just to mess with you and the other characters."

I could tell by his face that he didn't like it already.

"Just sit down and watch. It's really stupid but that's kind of the point."

I selected episode three, which was perhaps the most relevant to what I was trying to prove.

While watching the video, "Sasuke" maintained a blank facial expression throughout at least the first thirty seconds. So far Naruto is a heavy smoker that has behavioural issues. Nothing new, except for the smoking. It wasn't until Naruto started having a man-crush on Sasuke when he finally began to cringe. The creators fooled around with the kiss incident and when the time came for Naruto to tie up Sasuke and transform into him, they made it seem as if Naruto was raping Sasuke (but it wasn't really rape because Sasuke seemed to enjoyed it).

Throughout the _Ninjabridge _series, Naruto is a heavy smoker who is fuck-buddies with Sasuke who is emo, Iruka is a big fan of _One Piece, _Sakura is just Sakura and Kakashi is David Bowie.

After video he blinked a few times, trying to process what he had just watched.

"Why would I enjoy being raped by Naruto? Who the hell made this?" He was clearly offended but he wasn't really ready to start a rampage yet.

"It's all humour, besides the concept of you and Naruto being a couple is widely accepted within the fandom."

"What?"

"Also you and Sakura"

"At least that one is vaguely reasonable."

_Oh really, so SasuSaku is canon eh? _

"There's also SasuHina"

"That also makes sense though. A Hyuuga and an Uchiha is actually a wise choice."

He seemed so calm about the heterosexual pairings. _Wait until he gets a load of this..._

"A lot of fans also support Uchihacest, also known as ItaSasu."

"Me...and my brother...?"

"That's my brother and_ I! _Sort out your English. Besides, the pairings are a world of their own. Right now we're still establishing the concept of parody and fan-fiction"

"Hn. Also about that video, what the _hell_ is a David Bowie?"

"I TOLD YOU ALREADY I'M _NOT_ DAVID BOWIE!"

A wild Kakashi unit has appeared behind us. Talk about coincidence!

A pair of brown eyes peeked from behind the Kakashi unit that stood uncharacteristically in a "total hero pose". The owner of those eyes jumped out and screamed "MAGIC!"  
"Sasuke"and I both mentally sweatdropped.

"Damn you Cynthia, how the hell did you get into the house?"

"I have a pet ninja now." Of course.

"Also, how did you get your Kakashi unit so quickly. Didn't you just place the order yesterday."

"No, I actually ordered him a few weeks ago, straight after you first told me about them. I just didn't tell you so you wouldn't feel bad if it was a scam."

That's Cynthia, always full of surprises.

"I also accidentally-on-purposely showed him _Ninjabrigde _and KakaIru. He won't stop making jokes about it now."

"Wait, so Kakashi and Iruka are also a pairing. But I'm pretty sure Kakashi only likes women, if anything" "Sasuke" interrupted.

"That's the work of fujyoshi, yaoi fangirls. To them everybody is gay, no matter the circumstance."

"But that's so wrong, where is the logic in that?" he was starting to get pissed off.

"You would probably understand it better if you were a girl, a girl with no social skills such as myself."

"Wait, so you support this?" The non-existent respect he had for me was beginning to plummet below zero.

"I'm a mutual party. I support most pairings, mostly the ones involving you because I find the idea of you in a relationship with anyone amusing. You seem to be asexual so for you to be otherwise is a very intriguing concept." I was brutally honest with him this time.

"Sasuke" was deeply offended. He didn't know how to respond to that one. Was he to admit that he wasn't asexual and that he had hormonal urges just like any other human being? No he couldn't, he knew that was exactly what I wanted to hear.

Meanwhile, "Kakashi" and Cynthia were caught in the middle of our little mind games. Finally, "Kakashi" broke the awkward silence.

"Sasuke, for argument's sake, you and I are also a popular pairing."

He nearly lost it after hearing that one.

"What the _fuck. _Are you a paedophile?"

"The fans know no boundaries. If they think it's hot, then it's a pairing" Cynthia finally joined in the discussion.

"What do people actually do with these pairings?" "Sasuke" seemed to be getting too interested in this topic for his own good.

"A lot of the time they argue with each other over which pairings are valid, but for the most part they write stories and draw pictures." I explained as I opened a new tab and searched "SasuNaru" in Google Images.  
I directed him towards the screen, the four of us now all huddled around the computer.

I flicked through the various artworks like it were a powerpoint presentation of doom. Between cute chibi drawings of Sasuke and Naruto kissing and highly detailed masterpieces of them virtually fucking each other, "Sasuke" only grew more horrified. The remaining three of us watched in anticipation, waiting for him to crack. That mischievous grin behind "Kakashi's" mask was lethal. "Sasuke's" eye began to twitch as he stared at the screen mortified. He wanted to keep his dignity, so he tried to contain his rage.

"What the fuck is this? I wouldn't do any of those things and yet people are using me as a fetish item!" This was the much more toned-down version of what he was thinking.

"You're not the only one, all characters face it, even the most unlikely ones" I tried to reassure him, only to cringe at the thought of how bad _Shrek _fan-art and fictions might look. _Urgggghhhh!_

"But you have to admit, the fans have some reason to believe that you and Naruto are lovers. Your rivalry could just as well be sexual tension and Naruto _does_ seem to be quite attached to you." I just had to let that one slide.

"As his former sensei, I can confirm that I have seen him blush when he was around Naruto at least twelve times." Kakashi claimed.

"How would you know anything? You're always too busy reading porn!" "Sasuke" snapped back at the Copy Nin.

"It's fine _literature" _he corrected as he pulled his _Icha-icha _novel out of his pocket and started reading it like the magnificent sir he was.

"Just Look on the bright side. most of the time when your paired with Naruto, you're the seme." "Kakashi" said casually as he peeked up at "Sasuke" from his book.

"Seme?"

"The dominant one" I added.

He still didn't seem to get it.

"The one who doesn't take it up the ass!" Cynthia just about summed it up.

At that he just let his eye twitch a second time.

"Let's try SasuSai next" Cynthia proposed quite excitedly.

"But just imagine if Sai drew these artworks with his jutsu. Now wouldn't that be fun?" "Kakashi" jokingly suggested. Damn that pervy sense of humour of his.

"Yes, I should start saving up for a Sai unit!" I joined in on "Kakashi's" joke, only that I actually took his suggestion to heart.

"Sasuke" wasn't taking this too well.

"You sicken me" he said as he got up and made his way toward the front door.

I couldn't say I didn't see it coming, but as the door slammed behind him I felt a shard of his anger pierce my soul. And with that slight jab of pain, his infamous cat-like glare imprinted itself into my mind. It was only then I realised that I may have taken it too far.

_**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME**_

**"Sasuke" has no choice but to grow a pair and get over his fictional character dilemma. But now it's his end of the deal and he's planning some sweet revenge. That's right, let training begin! But in the meantime, _"Sasuke, what are you doing on the roof!?"_**

**_EXTRAS:_**

**Me: ***sings to tune of Barbie Girl* _Sasuke is my bitch, in this fanfic. Sakura wants to fuck him, Ino wants to suck him..._

**"Sasuke":** *yells from bedroom* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SINGING?

**Me: **NOTHING, WHY DO YOU CARE?

*whispers* _...Karin wants his dick, though he looks like a chick. Suigetsu is his ho, along with Naruto..._

_...COME ON SASGAY LET'S GO PARTAY!_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Compromise

**A/N: Sorry I kept you guys waiting. I had exams...-_-**

_"You sicken me" he said as he got up and made his way towards the front door._

_I couldn't say I didn't see it coming, but as the door slammed behind him I felt a shard of his anger pierce my soul. And with that slight jab of pain, his infamous cat-like glare imprinted itself into my mind. It was only then I realised that I may have taken it too far._

Well I couldn't really say "boy that escalated quickly", but I wanted to because I thought that it may be an appropriate time to reference _Anchorman _the lighten the mood. It didn't really work.

The following silence was unbearable, each minute dragging by like sandpaper against rough wood. "Kakashi" scratched his head, he felt the silence but was for the most part, unaffected as he was preoccupied with his "fine literature".

"Hey Kakashi, what is that book actually all about?" I asked while I had the opportunity.

"Shsssh, I'm up to a really steamy bondage scene." He hushed me, exposed eye not once leaving the book.

I mentally sweatdropped. _Forget I asked. _I wasn't too surprised though, the book was supposed to have been written by Jiraiya.

Meanwhile Cynthia snatched the book off her pet Hatake in a single swipe. _Holy shit, she did NOT just steal something from a ninja! And not just anything from any ninja, but porn from Kakashi!_

I expected him to expertly snatch the book back with his unquestionably badass skills, but instead he looked to Cynthia with one black, droopy, pleading eye. _Step back, he's using the puppy-dog eyes! _

Cynthia expertly flicked through the book, brows furrowed quizzically. I watched as I noticed that the book was much thicker than it appeared to be in the canon series.

"This isn't _Icha-icha_, this is _Fifty Shades of Grey _in an _Icha-icha_ _Tactics_ cover!"

_Cynthia has read _Fifty Shades of Grey!

"Ah, of course. The JIRAIYA unit mustn't be in production yet because well, _who'd buy that? _So they'd just provide the HATAKE KAKASHI units with a different book since there's no one there to write the _Icha-icha _series." I suggested.

"Yeah, and they'd provide a book presumably similar to _Icha-icha _so that the Kakashi units couldn't tell the difference." Cynthia added.

_Wow, Jiraiya was one sick old bastard. _

"B-b-b-but, my _Icha-icha..." _"Kakashi" looked like he was about to cry.

"Aww don't worry Kakashi, why don't I teach you where to find KakaAnko fanfics?"

"Deal." _Well he bounced back quickly._

I spent the next ten minutes teaching "Kakashi about the filters on fanfiction. He was now oogling at the computer screen like a Tumblr fujyoshi on a SasuNaru fanpage. _I should remember to erase my search history later._

"Maybe I should get him a smartphone so he could have portable access to his new errm..._interest" s_aid Cynthia while cringing.

"That's probably a good idea. Hey, I should get "Sasuke" one!" _Just imagine, Sasuke with a smartphone, using Snapchat...kekekekeke..._

Cynthia left with her HATAKE KAKASHI unit half an hour later, having left enough time for a variety of antics with her "Kakashi", mostly involving the two of us trying to bribe him into removing his mask with promises of KakaRin doujin. It didn't work, he just went to Google to find the doujin himself. I never thought that someone would ship them _that _hard!

Their departure left me with that warm sense of satisfaction of actually having socialised with human beings...and a robot. I slid against the closed door like a lovestruck schoolgirl, feeling quite happy with myself. However I couldn't help but to notice a small fissure lingering in my self-satisfaction. _Sasuke!_

_Where the hell is that little shit? Should I call the cops? No, the cops are useless. For all I know he could be terrorising the city while riding on top of Manda. Wait, he is more rational than that. And more importantly, he's emo. Think emo, think emo, think emo..._

...The closet!

_He's not Harry Potter. Besides, he left through the front door._

Since when do ninja use doors?

_Shut up!_

The church?

_What's he going to do there, pray?_

He could be slaughtering the worshipers in the name of Jashin?

_No he's pissed of with me, not the church. Besides he's not Jashinist. _

He could be admiring the Gothic architecture?

_So he's goth now? I thought we settled on him being emo._

I don't know, they're pretty similar.

_That's stereotyping, you racist!_

Wait, what? Racist?

_..._

Okay, what about the roof?

_Wrong anime character, you're thinking about Kyo from Fruits Basket._

Kyo Sohma? The angsty cat guy with no social skills who devotes his life to training for revenge... and likes to sulk on rooftops? He sounds a lot like Sask- oh my god...

_...Holy shit they're expies, check the roof now!_

After a presumably schizoid argument with myself, I ran out the front door and looked up to my steel roof. Nothing, no silhouette resembling a guy with a chicken on his head anywhere. I ran down the side of the house to the back yard, pulled down the trampoline with the obnoxiously pink padding (it belongs to my sister, okay) and climbed on. I attempted to scan the entire rooftop for his shadow within the short time before gravity would put me back in my place, but instead my eyes locked onto a darker pair glaring right at me. _Holy shit, reverse jumpscare! _

"Haha, found you!" I said mostly out of trying to cover my reaction to nearly pissing my pants.  
I jumped off, dragged the large trampoline closer to the house and continued the process of staring back at him between jumps. He was perched close the edge of the roof, spying and probably inwardly laughing at my need to use a trampoline to reach the roof. "Sasuke's" curious yet scolding glare reminded me of Miku when she watches me from atop my wardrobe. The awkward stare-off continued for three bounds of the trampoline, with me edging closer to him with each one. He maintained his almost puzzled gaze unmoved, but I knew he would be reading my every move and planning something.  
Fourth jump. I moved an inch closer.  
Fifth jump. closer again.  
By the sixth jump my chest was nearly scraping against the gutter on the way up.  
I thought this only happened on television, but in slow motion I could see the hair dangling by the sides of his face brush slightly against the momentum of my body approaching. His stare remained unchanged for a fraction of second, then flickered to epiphany as my arm approached at striking speed. I latched onto the collar of his white shirt and pulled him towards me, dragging him down with me on my descent.

Back in real-time, I was forced onto my back. "Sasuke's" face was practically squashed into my chest by the force of his own weight having fallen about two metres. A fraction of the absorbed impact surged through the trampoline and rebounded the two of us, creating an uncomfortable cycle of me falling on my back and his face smashing into me with decreasing force. _That's what the built-in airbags are for, if you know what I mean..._

This brief and unintentionally compromising encounter ended as I opened my eyes after having clamped them shut by reflex, only to find that the heavy weight on top of me had been removed and found its way back onto the roof.  
_Oh no you don't. Nobody presses their face to my boobs, runs off and gets away with it!_

I looked up to see "Sasuke" smirking back at me, slightly agitated but self-satisfied. And for him to have let me think I had him there. But why did he let get him? He could have brushed me off easily and yet he looked so pleased with himself. Either way, _game on. Bitch. _

I got to my feet and stared up at him from below. He hadn't won yet. I jumped a few times, trying to reach my maximum height and eyes not once breaking our locked gaze. I then launched myself forward, not caring if I didn't make it to the edge and hit my jaw on the gutter. From the trampoline to the roof was only a hair-width gap, yet it seemed so far away. It was just too high up, but I was convinced that the power of my determination would help me clear it without a problem. At least I thought I would.

I landed on my knees onto the sharp edge of the gutter. Knowing that it couldn't hold my weight, I desperately scurried my way to the edge of the rooftop before gravity took its full toll. "Sasuke" stood above me, clearly bemused by the amount of effort it took me to achieve something he could do without even thinking.

While I was recovering from a near-death experience, he climbed to the summit of the triangular structure and seated himself, ignoring my presence. There he was balanced on the narrow surface while absorbing the tranquillity of a Sunday afternoon in Autumn. The sun reflected onto his eyes in way that made him look almost like he didn't have a kunai up his ass, like he was actually somewhat _happy.  
_So this is what I was disturbing him from? So far today I have tortured him with yaoi involving himself and his friend/rival/gay lover(?) while in the presence of his former pervert of a sensei. He had every reason to want to be alone, but I just had to go out of my way to further aggravate him. But why? Why have I gone to such lengths for his acknowledgement? The last twenty-four hours I have spent with him have been a game of cat-and-mouse. But which one's the cat, which one's the mouse? I wonder how long it would take for us to retire from our little game.

Perhaps I could end it here and call a truce. No more games, just an uncalculated mutual agreement. I have been carried away by my fangirl fantasies of messing with Sasuke and forgotten that I was actually dealing with someone, or something, that is in a very difficult situation. The entity of his tragic life is a lie and he now inhabits a world that he knows nothing of, yet it knows all about him.

I walked up the incline of the roof and hesitantly perched myself onto the summit, about a metre apart from "Sasuke". I didn't want to seem to be getting too comfortable all of a sudden. The tension seemed to have precipitated from the chaos from before, but the silence between us wasn't completely unbearable. I kept myself entertained with views of tree branches against the power-blue sky and Autumn leaves swirling along the ground, being twirled by the wind in a mini-tornado. I always knew I had a short attention span, but I still frequently pondered on how easily I could be taken by such simple things. I wasn't too sure about "Sasuke" though. He seemed to be quite lost in his own thoughts himself.

"That strange building, what is it exactly?" He suddenly shattered the silence that had grown to become almost comforting. His head tilted toward the large Victorian building on his left.

"That's a church. It's like a temple. People go there to worship God, who is what you may refer to as Kami-sama." That's me, as blunt and factual as ever. I was never really one for small talk and nor was Sasuke from what I know, so this may be a major turning point.

"Hn." As expected, his universal reply of agreement or understanding.

"Hey, don't you have a family? I mean your house is pretty large?"

_Wow, did he really just try to act sympathetic towards me? Fifty points to Slytherin!_

"Oh them? I excluded them from this story for the sake of plot convenience."

"Huh?"

_Achievement unlocked: "Sasuke" is dumbfounded. Seven-hundred points to Ravenclaw!_

"Nevermind. Listen, I realise that the position you're in, well it's almost unimaginable. I know you're highly capable but you don't seem to be handling it quite well. But that's understandable because I have been making things quite difficult on purpose. Yet you still haven't even seen half of what this world has in store for you. Do you think you will able to manage?"

_That's right just be all sweet and sympathetic towards him, just like Sakura._

"Hn. I'm not as fragile as I look. I'll start training tomorrow. You have proven yourself to be of some use."

_Yeah right. You are the most emotionally dysfunctional person/thing I know! Wait, what about training? __Thaaaaat little fucker._

_**NEXT TIME ON THE UCHIHA SASUKE UNIT AND ME**_

**We finally got all our shit together after seven chapters. Now we might actually be getting somewhere! "Sasuke" needs me to help him with his training for some reason, even though he has virtually nothing to be training for. Also, more antics with Cynthia, "Kakashi" and Miku are sure to come!**


End file.
